Where Should I Look?
The problem isn’t the absent father, but how I deal with the absent father within me.
The problem isn’t ice cream, but how I handle my cravings for sweets and my health.The problem isn’t social media, but how much time I invest in it and the kind of content I consume.The problem isn’t my toxic boyfriend but why I still blindly surrender to such a situation.The problem isn’t the world out there, but how I, as someone seeking greater awareness, handle and react to the events in my life.
Yes, if you come from a chaotic home, what you experienced has undoubtedly left wounds. This is a painful topic, and we recognize how difficult this reality can be.
There Is an Explanation
The issue of an “absent father,” for example, can be explained from many perspectives.We can consider psychological arguments related to his life and ancestors, social factors, or even economic conditions.We can blame him, judge his immaturity and incompetence. Yes, we can reach many conclusions.
But let me share something from my experience with over 8,000 clients:Your father doesn’t hate you. Your mother doesn’t hate you.It’s not personal, nor is it a matter of character—this is all a result of their entanglements with their own parents, grandparents, and so on.
This explanation, however, isn’t to justify their actions. It’s an attempt to expand our empathy and ease our pain.
What truly helps, in the end, is a heart that lets go of resentment and chooses to move forward—despite everything.And the most important word here is decision.
"Oh, So I Just Let Him Off the Hook?"
Look, you don’t need to highlight someone’s mistakes forever just to prove you were hurt.That doesn’t seem very smart. It doesn’t solve anything. It only keeps the wound bleeding for a lifetime.Who would want that for themselves?
Why am I saying this? Because in therapy, we see that people often want to make sure others acknowledge their pain.They want confirmation that what happened to them was real.
Many wounded individuals are plagued by doubts:
"Am I overreacting?""Am I exaggerating?""Is this all in my head?""Do others see it the way I do?"
So they seek out friends and therapists to validate their suffering.
Often, when retelling their painful stories, they look intently at their listener, searching for approval, comfort, and empathy:
"Can you believe this happened to me? Isn’t it outrageous?"
A Curious Perception
Do you know why people “like” to retell their stories 500 times? Because this time, they have control over the narrative.
Recounting the past brings them a sense of relief.They often say things like:
"At the time, I couldn’t process it, but now I see it differently. If it happens again, I’ll handle it like this..."
This isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s simply part of the healing journey.Some people move through these stages quickly; others take longer. It depends on the individual.
A New Agreement
But let me tell you something even more important.This is what I work on with my clients in therapy and Family Constellations.I say to them:
"I have news for you! You can recognize your wounds and your pain while also acknowledging that the person who hurt you has their own wounds and pain."
Deal?
In this agreement, everyone’s pain is acknowledged and respected. How does that sound?Fair?
Philosophically speaking, we can expand this even further: Systemically, no one is a victim, yet at the same time, everyone is a victim.
We’re all in the same boat.
Shadows and Light
If a person can understand that life consists of unfair stories, absent fathers, toxic mothers, difficult siblings, bitter teachers, destructive relationships, and irresistible but unhealthy sweets...
If a person can accept that darkness exists in life, then—voilà!—huge changes can happen.
Think with an open heart. Every difficult person or situation you encounter will either break you or elevate you.
It all depends on how you choose to respond:
Will you complain forever, or will you learn from it and grow?
Sartre Was Right
Let’s wrap this up with Jean-Paul Sartre:
"It’s not about what they did to you, but what you do with what they did to you."
This, my friends, changes the game and invites us to take a much more active and positive stance in life.
And while we’re at it, let me drop a somewhat controversial quote from Bert Hellinger:
"The victim mindset is the most refined form of revenge."
I sincerely hope we never again stay stuck in a victim role just to keep blaming those who hurt us or loved us in a messy, confusing way.
Because the truth is, playing the victim only hurts us more than it hurts them.
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